Mother, May I

Remember the game: Mother, May I? One child was selected to be "The Mom". The other kids lined up at a pretty good distance from her. Mom would pick a player at random and say: "Karen, you may take X steps." She would respond: "Mother, may I?" and it was up to the Mom to grant the request or not. If the player forgot to ask permission, she must go back to the starting line. The first person to touch Mom wins.

Seems like a pretty straightforward game. All you have to do is remember to ask for permission and you're all set. How hard could it be to remember 3 simple words in order to win?

On one sunny day, Mother is a kind, benevolent soul. She has a heart for fairness and wants everyone to win. Mom goes out of her way to make sure she picks each girl at least once, and chooses the shyest ones twice. Mother says: Nikki, you may take 6 giant steps forward. Mother, may I, I call out in respond. Yes, you may and I throw myself forward, lunging as far forward I can possibly go without ripping my pants apart at the seams. Maria, Mother beams, you may take TEN giant steps forward. Mother, may I, asks Maria in utter disbelief. YES YOU MAY cries back Mother, barely able to stand still at her post. At step eight, he realizes he's actually going to win. A slight hesitation at step 10, making sure this isn't some sick joke. Step 10 and he's the first to Mother. She has won Mother's favor. I'm close enough to see her pure ,gapped-toothed joy, and Mother's self-satisfying glow, too. I don't even mind losing, after all, Maria's life is an uphill battle. I know things. She gets extra help for reading. There are whispers of "social services". She's on the hot lunch plan. There will be other days to win. I don't mind. I really don't. I really don't mind.

Another peach of a day brings me back to the same playground. I stand in line with a dozen other girls. "Nikki, you may take 5 regular steps forward." I've been called first and take this as a good sign. "Mother, may I?" "No, you may not. Jennifer, you can take 5 regular steps forward." "Mother, may I?" winks Jennifer. "Yes, you may," Mother sing songs back. It goes on like this. Jennifer goes by, then Moira, Missy, Natalie. I stand in my spot, praying to get the call. "Nikki, you may take 10 giant steps forward." Bingo! and off I go landing smack in the middle of the pack. "You forgot to say Mother, may I" growls Mother and back I go, standing alone near the starting line, smiling on the outside because this is not bothering me, dying on the inside. As the game comes to a close, Mother is surrounded. The girls are standing so close, I'm certain she can smell the flavor of each of their lip glosses. She prolongs her pleasure and tortures her subjects with the skills of a long-practice dominatrix.

"Mother, may I. Mother, may I. Mother, may, I," I silently chant, far away from the maddening crowd, but still clinging to hope. "You can stop playing," says Maria from the sideline. "Don't you get it? You have no chance to win. This game isn't about you. It's all about her." And I know Maria is right. So we leave, holding hands the way girls do in order to show the world that we are together. Off to find a better way to spend our time.