Summer Summation

Loss. The great equalizer.

This been a summer of gains and losses for me. Some, I saw coming, others, not so much.

Class Graduation Photo

I took a summer-long certificate program at Salve Regina in Self-Discovery through Expressive Arts. I started out with major enthusiasm, dropped down to almost dropping out, then rallied with a strong finish. I actually called my advisor to quit just before that second weekend. I hadn't finished all the assignments (HUGE deal for a life-long over achiever). He said to come anyway. He modified the assignments for so I could complete enough to participate, but he said even finishing these were optional. The most important thing was for me to come. Just me being there was enough. Holy f*@#.

It was quite a journey for me, but I've never been more proud of myself for completing something than I was on our "graduation" day on the last Sunday of the program. I'd been dreading this  final weekend, afraid that I would start crying and not be able to stop. I'd come to love and trust my fellow students and the faculty. I'd come to count on these weekends as mini-oasis from my regular life as wife and mother. During these weekends, I could fully immerse myself in creative work, something I hadn't been able to do since college, really. I'd become part of a community. A tribe. I was reluctant to let that go.

Modeling a finished project at the shop.

At the exact same time my class was ending, I lost my job. Actually, I gave my job back to its owner, which is to say, I quit. And although it was choice, it still sucked like crazy. I really liked my job at the knitting shop. It was part-time, but the pay was great, I loved the customers, it was 10 minutes from home, I got to learn about a craft I'd come to love, and I got a discount on yarn. I hadn't liked a job this much since my summer between college at Water Country. I'd had my Pilates studio, which was great, but I wanted to do something different. My yarn shop job was great because I got to use my creative self and I didn't have to try to go back and be the person I was before. I could move forward, and still draw on all my past experiences.

It's only been 2 weeks since I've left the shop, and more than anything, I miss the community. I was the tribe. I've always considered myself a bit of a loner. I've always valued my alone time, and yet, I do enjoy connecting with others, so I now see myself as more of a ying/yang person. Right at this moment, I am out of balance. Too much ying, minimal yang. I need to rebalance. I feel like a I had more energy for this when I was younger. Then again, I'M NOT OLD! Life is not like Chutes and Ladders. You don't land on a square and have to start from the very beginning. I can begin from where I am right now, with all the experience I have acquired along the way and hopefully pay attention to and not forgotten the lessons.

My natural instinct is rush to fill the void. Keep busy. I hear bits of news from my old community and it's hard. On the one hand, I miss it terribly. On the other hand, I'm pissed that they dare go on without me. And at my lowest, I feel tossed aside and easily replaced. I work to focus on gratitude. I know it could be so much worse. I have friends who are managing loss that makes mine seem like a walk in the park. And yet, it's all relative. We all want to feel like we matter. We belong. My long-time habit is to look outside myself for that validation. Now, as I hit the karmic restart button once again, I have an opportunity to practice what I learned at Salve. I am enough.

And so, I begin again:

Kind, considerate, very funny, spirtual-minded, creative woman of color seeks community. Enjoys knitting, music, good food and conversation, but loves a good reality tv show marathon, too. Looking for like-minded individuals. Non-authentic people need not respond.

Image Courtesy of
http://theemerald.deviantart.com

Trayvon Martin is MY Son

I've had something on my mind BIG time in the last two weeks. But more on that later. However, in a similar vein is the Trayvon Martin shooting/murder story. I am overwhelmed by the feelings flooding me over the last days as more and more information comes to light. I look at my own brown-skinned son, who, himself turns 17 this Sunday, and I am sickened by the thought of him being shot down like a dog in the street as he walks through the streets of our mostly white neighborhoods. Here's my small contribution to the growing movement for justice.

Please use and/or share these Button Grabs (one above and one below) I've created which can be found on the left column of the blog:

Day 16: Love is all around

I've gone on a photo safari for the last two days. Yesterday, I went to the Wrentham Country Store and inspired by the sunshine, I headed over to Stony Brook Wildlife Center. I hadn't been over there since Connor was in the 1st grade. It was fantastic. So nice to be outside in the warm sun. I took some great shots which I'm working on now, but this was one of my favorites. I was inspired by another woman in my online photography class who took a picture on a naturally occurring heart in the world. When I first saw the photo, I was so jealous. I had myself quite a little pity party themed: I will never be that aware/How come she took that shot and I didn't. But I had such a great afternoon yesterday with my camera that my party seems but a mere memory. I was reminded by Andrea, our "guide" that you have to take hundreds of photos just to possibly get a few good shots. And then, they can made to be amazing with a little post-processing love.

In this photo course I'm taking, we were given a Superhero Manifesto on the first day, full encouraging prompts/mantras like:  Be Brave. Notice the small things. See beauty everywhere. And to Look Closely.

The more I see the world through the eyes of possibility (eyes wide OPEN), it's amazing what I've been seeing. And sure enough, as I began to make my way back down the path to my car, I look at my feet and voila:

A reminder from the universe that love is all around, all the time, where I least expect to find it. Pretty cool, right?

Day 12: Sunday Spinners

My friend Cheryl took these. So nice to have pictures of the afternoon!

Today's creative road carried me down to Norfolk. I've been wanting to try spinning for some time now and today was the day. I went over to see the Sunday Spinners who meet the first Sunday of the month at the library. It was great. I asked a thousand questions and they answered so patiently and generously. I even got to try spinning on the wheel, both pedal and electric, and with a drop spindle. Spinning was much harder than I thought it would be, kind of like rubbing my stomach and patting my head at the same time, but after I've had a couple martinis. I tried to stay zen and remember how awkward it felt when I first learned to knit. I had much more success on the electric vs. the pedaled wheel, spinning a good nice yard of alpaca. Needless to say, research on wheel rental begins tomorrow. Fred's always said the knitting was a gateway drug...he was right.

Day 8 & 9: Sneak Peek

I've been working on these knitting themed tiles. Here's a little preview of what I've been chipping away at for the last few days:

They're sized (4x4) to display on a desk, or in the knitting nook on small easel or could be hung on the wall. I've got a few already made up and I'm furiously working on more designs. I'm hoping to sell them in order to fund a few ideas I've got simmering on the back burner (summer fun, new blog design, fun class?) Feedback welcome. 

Day 8: I am a Goddess (Repeat as needed)

I'll just start by saying that today was a better day than yesterday. Since they were predicting snow today (insert blood curdling scream here), I brought out my serious winter parka from the back of the closet. Found this in the pocket. Felt like a good omen.

Day began with dropping Rocky to the groomers. He LOVES riding shotgun with Mummy. I put the seat heater on for him and we rolled out.

Are you kidding me with that face??!!! A love!!!!!

Although my photography confidence is waning, I still grabbed my camera when I left the house this morning, so there must be some seed of hope deep inside me. Or it could be my fatalistic optimism kicking in again. In any event, I took about 100 photos today. Here's six that I'm pleased with:

Off to my more satisfying creative activity...knitting! Good night, y'all.

Day 7????

I think I'm off on my days of Lent. And since I just burned 20 minutes searching the Google-box for a numbered Lenten calendar I figured it's not so much about the number but the practice.

Spent the entire day giving the house a major cleaning. Pulled out beds, glued stuff back together, organized the yarn. I always find comfort in cleaning. It allows me to feel I have some control over something in the world and Lord knows I need to be reminded that I do, in fact, have some control over something in my house these days. Grabbed the camera and headed out to pick up the boy.

I took this photo today outside the Norfolk Public Library. Mother and child...it's been a day. I liked how the male shadow hovers in the background...boy, does THAT feel familiar. A strong presence, to be sure, but the mother is in the foreground. 

Anyhoo...

I posted this on my Superhero Photo Flickr group. I'm so intimidated. All the photos seem so much more artsy than mine. I deleted at least 25 crap photos just to post 4. I snap the picture, thinking it's going to be this powerful shot, but when I get home, it just looks so flat. I barely had any comments on the pictures I'd already posted. I'm suffering from creative anxiety. Screw it. I'm just going to keep at it. It's the only way I'll get any better.

PS: And I'm going to stop reading the comments!

PSS: Three deer jumped in from of the car on our way home this afternoon. We stared at each other for about 3 minutes before I remembered I had my camera in the car. I knew as soon as I pressed the button my shutter was too slow and the picture would come out blurry. That said, someone in my online could post this and I would think it was totally artsy...me, not so much. I think it's all in the attitude. Maybe I'll play with it and make it into something. We'll see.

Day 3 and 4: I'm in love again

Had myself a little adventure today (Day 4). The man and I headed to Shadow Pines Alpaca Farm in Exeter, RI. I only have three words to say: I'm in love. Are you kidding me??!!! Look at that face. How can you not fall in love with these beautiful creatures.

I defy you not to love this guy!

And since we were right around the corner from Narragansett, we headed over the beach for a quick walk. It was so beautiful today. This is probably one of the best shots of us together in a long time. The Man indulged me because his face doesn't show.

From there, we headed up 1A to Wickford for a delicious lunch of Clam Chowder and sandwiches.

We walked through the downtown and this sign jumped out at me. Since it's my word of the year, I've started snapping photos of interesting open signs. It's amazing how many "signs" I see when I stay aware enough to see them. (I'll be posting more of my Open photos later.)

PS:

Here some shots I took yesterday (Day 3) at In the Loop. My assignment for this first week of Superhero Photos is to carry my camera everywhere and basically shot everything. So, that's exactly what I did.

Day 2: Creating young creators

Today, my challenge was to carry my camera with me everywhere and "Elevate the Ordinary". Thursday means Kids Knitting. It was small class today because of the school vaca, but I enjoyed as much as when all the girls are there. We got to really talk and giggle and knit...which is pretty much how my own knitting class went on Tuesday night. Lord, we carried on like nobody's business. Kintting has been such a joy in my life. Such a gift. I'm glad to be able to pass it on to the next generation.

The circle remains unbroken.

Day 1: Superhero-ing for Lent

So Lent starts today. I love Lent. I love the idea of focusing for 40 days. It could be changing a bad habit or developing a new one. Giving up something bad for me or adding something good for me. I love the idea of being intentional for 40 days. Last year, I wrote everyday for 40 days and that was really fun. It got my creative juices flowing, which I loved, and it made me pay attention to the details of my day because more often than not, the inspiration for the day came from the mundane, ordinary things that make up most of my days. But boy there was some good stuff in the mundane.

This year, I'm going back to the creativity well. I've signed up for a 6 week online photo course called Elevate the Ordinary led by Andrea Scher of Superhero Photo and Superhero Journal. Every Monday through Thursday for the next six weeks, I will be getting a prompt to inspire me to get out my camera and shoot creativity, freely, and outside the box-ly. My first assignment came today and I choose the prompt: Elevate the Ordinary.

I've had the wire mannequin for a while and I just love her. I bought her for a mixed media thing, but I could never come up with the right project. So she's been sitting on my bookshelf waiting patiently. Today for her day. In this course, we are to be bold, make mistakes, get outside, use the natural light, and generally get a little "out there". I'm just now getting comfortable using more of my camera, and it felt good to get outside and play today.

Coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, my day ended with a phone call that brought me back to something that I thought I was not going to able to accomplish, but there will be more on that later. When I don't fight Creativity, she can be soooo rewarding.

Day 1 of 40 Days of Creativity...here we go.

On Being a Creative...ish

It's even hard for me to say I'm a creative person. I spend a LOT of my time, looking, reading, talking, listening, and hanging out with Creative People. And yet, I would describe myself as a creative person aspiring to be a Creative Person, maybe even an artist of some undefined sort.

So today as I went through my unread blog inboxes, this one from Heather of The Farm Chicks really made my heart sing. If I just keep doing what I'm doing, there's hope for me yet. There's hope for all of us trying to do something, anything new.

Ira Glass on Storytelling from David Shiyang Liu on Vimeo.

Catch Up or Good-bye 2011, Hello 2012

Here's the quick and dirty. I was all caught up on my Photo365 pics, when a horrible little thing called "Flu" came to visit me. She was a nasty, nasty creature who insisted upon coming to me the week before Christmas and stayed throughout the holidays, despite my insistence that this was not, in fact, a good time for us to catch up with each other. But stay, she did, and I was forced to watch hours of mindless tv (I'm all caught up on Teen Mom 2, Thank God!) and when we weren't watching tv, she tormented me in my sleep. In a cruel twist of irony, she stole my appetite and yet I still managed to pack on the pounds because she hates the gym and wouldn't let me go either, the fat bitch.

Anyhoo, here's the pages I did get to do before flu. I hope to pick up where I left on in the New Year, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I take the pics on an app on my phone, which has been fun, but I'm taking another photography class in January, so I may scrap the app pics and go for something more. Something different. I'm not sure yet. I'm open...I'll keep you posted.

I did a lot of decorating outside the house for Christmas this year. It involved climbing a tree (that's the picture view from my kitchen window), outdoor spotlights, and Alphonso, the lighted deer. That week also brought a bat mitzvah, sewing and knitting class. All and all, it was a good week.



Week 10 started with a bang, literally. I drove my car into the concrete road divider at Lowe's. I blew 2 tires and broke a rim. But since I had no car, I had lots and lots of time to write my paper for Intro to Expressive and Creative Arts, so that was a good thing. By mid-week, my car was back (Thanks, Mom!), and I was able to drive carefully back to Lowe's to get the deer I'd gone for in the first place. Friday night, In the Loop, hosted Hannah Fettig, author of Coastal Knits. A good time was had by all.

Thanksgiving Week brought lots of food and cooking. The statue is the second weekend of my Introduction to Creative & Expressive Arts class at Salve Regina. Mom and Bill came down and that's their pug, Malcolm. He's a love.

Week 8 brought me to my first paid knitting teacher gig. I taught the Kids' knitting class of 8 fantastic elementary school girls. I'm pretty sure I sweated through my sweater that first class, but the next 3 weeks went great. I'm doing it again in January.

Week 7 found me and the boy at UMass Amherst for a lax tournament. It was cold, but a beautiful if not exhausting day. He had fun, so that's all the matters. I came home Monday and hubby had made dinner. That was a wonderful surprise that needs to happen a whole heck of a lot more.

The End...for now.

One Word for 2012

Yesterday, I was reading on my Zite app about choosing one word for the New Year. OneWord365 asks participants to skip the New Year's resolutions and select one word to sum up a goal, a way to live, etc. for the new year. Now, I'm not a big resolution girl. In fact, I'm sure that it's a recipe for failure for most of us. The intentions are good, but come on...it will take me at least 3 months to remember it's 2010 never mind 1-5 resolutions I hope to achieve and/or maintain during those 365 days. But, one word. That, I can get my head around.

After much thought and research, I chose: Open. Ironically, I've had this picture on my desktop that I took when the hubby and I (or me and the hubby...I'm never sure) spent the day in Provincetown a couple years back. It's not my best photography, but I love it none the less and it will as a daily reminder which can't hurt, either.

I really like One Word choice and it's daily, if not hourly, possibilities. I could get into a long exposition of all the ways I could apply the definition to various life-scenarios, but I'm going to skip that and just see what happens. In other words, I'm going to be open.