Day 16: You've got to play to win

While getting dressed for work yesterday, I heard out of the corner of my ear that there was no winner of the Mega Millions on Tuesday, so Friday's jackpot is now $305 million. So then I start playing the most painful game in the world: the What Would I do if I Won the Jackpot Game. It starts out innocently. I would take care of my family, pay of the mortgage, buy my dream house on the water, set aside college and grad school money, etc. These are the baseline dreams. Then, as it always does, the game turns ugly. I  start believing that I could actually win the jackpot. Not only that I could win it, but I deserve it. Why not me? After all, I am awesome and kind and giving and pure of all evil motives. I tick down the list of all the people with money who aren't worthy. I am judge and jury and my award is generous indeed.

I've gotten better about playing The Game, but The Game is what makes the lottery so appealing to so many. The lottery has no agenda, no prejudice. I play the lottery because I really do believe that I have just a good a chance of winning as anyone else. The playing field is level as are the players. And if Fate smiles upon me, then it is because she deems me worthy of her favor simply because I am deserving. The only thing she asks of me is to play to win and even this bar is set pretty low. The ticket is only $1 per play and I don't even have to pick my own numbers if I don't want to. What's not to love?

I used to be a pretty big risk taker. I don't mean risk taking as in dangerous or reckless behavior. I mean that I was not afraid to raise my hand and say: Yeah, I'll try that. Frankly, not raising my hand was harder for me than raising it. I would go to classes or meetings and promise myself that I would sit in the back and keep my mouth shut. Yeah, well, not so much. I loved to sing. I loved to perform. My mother loves to remind me about the time, as a little girl, I was asked my name. I smiled and replied: Pretty Nikki. Confidence was not my problem.

I am on Day 16 of my 40 day Lent commitment. I linked my blog to Facebook as a way to feel accountable to myself and the Lenten journey. I've always dabbled at writing, but never made it into that life habit I've always heard writing could be. Having the clear and fixed period of time of Lent to try my hand at it felt manageable, practical, and most importantly achievable. What I wasn't prepared for was the positive response my writing has received. I have realized how incredibly difficult it is for me to receive a compliment.

I recently saw Iyanla Vanzant on Oprah discussing the break in their relationship. Iyanla said that at the time she was receiving so much positive recognition for her work on Oprah, she was "unable to take it in". I can understand that. I can hear the compliment, but I am unable to take it into myself. I hear the words of support and encouragement like a whisper. I lean in with rapt interest and curiosity, but for the life of me, I can't quite make out the words.

My 40 Days of Writing has taken on another aspect: listening. Hearing is passive. Listening requires conscious choice and the desire to understand what is being said. I will buy my Mega Millions ticket, risking little, and continue writing, risking more. Either way, I've got to play to win.