That's how all the news reports start. She seemed like such a quiet person. Right up until she shaved her entire family's heads and burned the house down. I imagine that's what my neighbors might say about me today, because I am ready to burn this mo' fo' down to the ever-lovin' ground. And it all would be sparked by the simple question: What's for dinner?
Dunh, Dunh (That's the Law and Order sound)
Scene I:
Wrentham Police Station
Interrogation Room A
Sunday, April 1, 2011
Officer Jack O'Hurley: What was your wife's behavior like today?
My Husband: She didn't make coffee before she's started in. First it was the laundry and then she said something about cleaning out closets, but I'd already rolled back over to catch a few more zzz's.
Officer: Mmm. Hmm. Did she seem agitated?
Husband: Nothing out of the ordinary. The ususal: I'm not a maid. I didn't go to college so I could pick up your boxers for the rest of my life.
Officer: In other words: Yada, yada, yada.
Both chuckle.
Officer: Was she home all day or did she go out? Lunch with friends? Nail appointments? Massage?
Husband: She did leave the house around 11:30 and was gone for about two hours.
Officer: Did you notice anything unusual when she came back?
Husband: Well, she did come back with bags of groceries?
Officer: Just groceries?
Husband: There was fruit and vegetables, too.
Officer: Enough just for her?
Husband: There appeared to be enough for everyone. I watched while she put them away. I offered to help, but she said she'd get it done faster with me out of the way.
Officer: Your wife sounds like a bit of a control freak.
Husband: You think?
Officer: And do you know where your wife was during that two hours?
Husband: I have no idea.
Knowing glance exchanged between both.
Husband: You mentioned a massage earlier?
Officer: Yes? Did your wife have a massage today?
Sips coffee.
Husband: Actually, no. She took our son for an hour long session. He stated lacrosse this week and he has always had lower back pain, so my wife thought it was important for him to get it worked on throughout the season. Today was his first appointment.
Officer: Interesting. And where was your wife while your son got a massage?
Husband: She said she was going to run more errands on that end of town.
Officer: And where were you during this time?
Husband: Home relaxing. I work during the week.
Officer: I understand. Anything else about your wife you can tell us?
Husband: After she got back from the massage appointment. she brought in a desk she bought from the second hand shop. She went to Lowes to get supplies to repaint it. I took our son to ref a lacrosse game, and by the time got back, she'd stripped the piece and was getting ready to prime it.
Officer: What about finishing the laundry?
Husband: That was also done.
Officer: And put away?
Husband: Yes.
Officer: After she primed the desk, then what?
Husband: Well, it was getting late. You know, like 5:30 she was still out there painting,
Officer: And that's when you asked her?
Husband: Yes. I asked her what was for dinner?
Officer: I think I can piece together what happened. With the paint and mineral spirits out, all highly flammable, your wife went mental and set the house on fire.
Husband: It started on the deck, because she was working outside, but it didn't take long for it to spread. Especially with her running around with the mineral spirits and all.
Officer: Mr. Kirsch. You've been extremely helpful. I'm sorry you've had to go through such an ordeal.
Husband: What's going to happen to my wife?
Dunh, Dunh
Scene II:
Wrentham Police Station
Interrogation Room B
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Officer Susan Craig: What happened today, Mrs. Kirsch?
Me: It was 5:36pm on Sunday evening and my husband asked me what was for dinner.
Officer: You are free to go.
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